Idiot, jerk, or just a concerned mother?

My little Elinor has been a source of worry once again. This girl is going to send me to an early grave I tell you. You know how we have had the no walking/crawling concern? Frankly, she didn't score great on all her motor skills during that last appointment. Anyway, I set up baby boot camp last week and was feeling good. The last time we did it she seemed downright comfortable with the whole arrangement and was even getting around a little (she would actually be in a different spot then where I had left her). Anyway, mid week I started feeling sick. I was fevery, achy, chest coldy and sniffly. Not long after me, Elle started the same thing. We shelved baby boot camp and just worked on surviving the nights and days with our sanity in tact.

On Thursday (in the middle of all this), the doctor (she's actually the PA to the doctor that runs the practice we go to), anyway, she is the one that saw Elle during her visit, she called me and I missed the call. The gist of her message was that she went over Elle's chart and exam with the doctor and he wanted to talk about Elinor. At first, I figured he probably wanted to maybe go forward with whatever we'd be going forward with for Elle at 18 months. Well, I called back and the PA was busy and I was told she'd call back. Well, she never did and apparently the office was closed or something that Friday, so I had the weekend to stew over the state of Elle. Perhaps it was my fever or maybe it was just the way I do things, but I started to worry over Elle a bit. I started going over her abilities and lack thereof. I looked in the childcare book I have and that was my first major mistake (looking at Scout's baby book was mistake #2). I realized how far behind Elle really is. I then stupidly, went back to her birth and how it was traumatic with the cord around her neck and my imagination started cruising around. My third and final mistake was googling brain damage in infants. I read the signs and the ones that jumped out at me were: small head size, a delay in reaching milestones, overall smallness, and jaundice when newborn. I did my best to dismiss this stuff and tell myself Elle is fine, but as the weekend progressed, I found myself thinking of it EVERY time I interacted with her. I knew this wasn't good.

I got a call from the PA on Monday morning apologizing for not getting back to me. She basically said that the doctor was concerned with possible hip dysplasia and would like to either examine her himself, or we could just do an xray right now to be sure. I said whatever they would recommend would be fine, then I decided to just spill my fears (which I proceeded with, "I don't want to sound like an irrational worrying mother but....." I told her how Elle was born with the cord around her neck, had a very low apgar and how I am concerned now with her developmental delays possibly signifying brain damage. She immediately said, well, lets just go ahead a schedule the doctor to give her an exam. She said she will have him give her a neurological exam too. She called brain damage an "unlikely" possibility (making it clear that while she professionally didn't think so, it isn't out of the realm of possibility). I was able to get an appointment with him that afternoon.

Then I was faced with the task of telling Rob. I hadn't exposed any of my fears from the weekend, so I knew this information was going to do two things: 1. be coming at him totally out of left field, and 2. open me up to a lifetime of teasing that "mommy thinks Elle is brain damaged/mentally challenged" when after the appointment, more then likely, Elle will be given the diagnoses of "sound mind". How well do I know my husband?? Very well indeed. Within an hour, Elle was already getting a little of column B, but he told me that it is good to get her checked out so I can stop worrying about it. I agreed.

All four of us attended the appointment and Elle got a good exam from the doctor. She passed her neurological exam, and her hip exam. The little monkey would not under any circumstance even try to put any weight on her legs (she did the recoiling of the feet thing that is familiar to all those who know Elle personally- this cracked the doctor up quite a bit). He asked us a few questions like does she obey simple commands- which we honestly couldn't really say she does. He used the example of "go get your shoes" and that she really can't do that since she can't get her shoes. We told him that we don't really give her commands, so maybe she would if we did more. We told him that she says about 5 words (but she doesn't use any of them with a great deal of frequency). He said that is at least average for her age so way to go Elle (a victory). We addressed the head issue and he showed us on the chart that it is following a steady growth pattern. He also admitted that Utah has a larger then average head size (basically we are a state of giant headed children), so the curve is perhaps a little skewed. Plus he is mostly fine with her head size since Rob has a smaller then average head size and Scout's is small too (none as small as Elle's, but she is our Little Little). So, after we talked and looked at Elle for a while he told us that he didn't think there is anything wrong with her but "we'll watch her". We were told on this appointment (and by the PA) that often happy, content babies are slower to walk cause they lack motivation. He also says that some kids don't like the feel of surfaces on their feet and it hinders their walking (this is what he personally thinks is going on with Elle). I can buy that- she has always been weird with her feet (she is weird with her hands too come to think of it -kind of hesitant to touch things. Huh. Didn't think of that until now). So, I wouldn't say she has totally passed the test, but she has passed so far and will be "watched". He didn't even find an xray necessary for the hip thing- he is satisfied that isn't an issue.

So I do feel like kind of a jerk thinking my little girl has brain damage, and a bit like an idiot, but I am glad we saw the doctor. I can't say that today the issue wasn't on my mind while I played with her, but I think I was granted a little more ease on the subject. Without any preamble, I held one of Scout's toy horses within her reach, and told her to give it kisses and she instantly obeyed. Also, she was in a playful mood and I was cradling her and kissing and tickling her and she glanced at my ipod headphone that was dangling around my neck, seized it, and pretended to almost bite it with a devious look on her face and then giggled. She was trying to get me to say "no!" followed by the inevitable tickles. I was reassured by these things that she knows what is going on and can follow commands. Sometimes my kids just seem to know when mommy needs some reassurance, bless them.

I need to learn not to compare my two children. They are so different, so we interact with them differently. I've reflected a lot the last day or so, and have come to some conclusions. With Scout, she has always had a very active mind and body. She sat at 6 months and crawled at 7. She started making her first animal noises at 9 months, and her first words around the same time. She was busy busy busy (and still very much is), therefore, I had to engage her all the time. She had a fierce drive to be on the move and to explore her universe as much as possible. Elle, is a laid back, content, quiet little thing. She is happy just to watch the world around her. She only needs a little pile of blocks or a little book to be perfectly content for a long long time. She will sit there and play and I will be doing housework and she will be happy with what she's got almost indefinitely (she does need food and sleep from time to time). This means that my interaction with her is rarely anything but going over to where she is and giving her cuddles and kisses and raspberries on the belly. I also swing her around and turn her upside down cause she loves that stuff and Scout never really did. Scout would get downright panicked when she was swung and put upside down (still does sometimes.) Anyway, I have to make an effort to work with Elle on what animals say and stuff like that, cause it just doesn't naturally fit into her life at this time. Neither does crawling or walking. But as I've said, it's time.

The doctor did recommend something that the Alpine School district provides as a service for children with delays (and disabilities) called "Kids on the Move". A professional actually comes into your home and works with your child that has developmental delays and they apparently have some tricks up their sleeves that moms like me might not have thought of to get kids moving and catching up. The doctor said they also in the midst of doing this, can often notice some things the doctor might not have caught while doing his exam (I guess he was talking about brain damage -I'd like to make clear that at no time have I thought that if she had brain damage, it would be severe- there are obviously different levels of brain damage- am I just digging my hole deeper?).

Anyway, I think I'll call the Kids on the Move people tomorrow. It can't hurt, it's free and maybe it will work better then my baby boot camp (which actually was showing some promise before it was derailed). I'll get her evaluated anyways, and go from there.