Honestly, the last few days, I have felt like an emotional wreck about to happen. This doesn't mean that I am one. It's more like there is an emotional wreck in there that wants to take over. I am not letting it.
I am pinpointing it on a few things. 1.) Elle hadn't had an appointment for weeks until Wednesday (except for Aly, that was a few days ago). With her ear infection and cold, we had to cancel them all. We also didn't do her work outs and stuff for at least a week. So the last two days she has had two appointments and it was kind of back to reality. I enjoyed just cuddling and comforting my baby and not worrying about if she can do container play or even worry if she wanted to do container play. 2.) her big appointment is coming on Tuesday morning. I am excited for it, excited to get a diagnosis, but I am scared. It's very conflicting. 3.) Elle is making a red mark on her left thumb from doing some sort of repeated movement with her finger. The OT noticed it and asked about it. I said it is new and we just realized it is from her doing it to herself. He wanted to know when she does it and how often, cause it could be "a clue". I didn't ask him a clue to what. I don't know if it was my imagination or not that he didn't look overjoyed about what kind of clue it pointed to. It could be nothing.
There are many things that prevent me from being the emotional wreck that part of me wants to be. 1.) My absolute knowledge that Elinor is the little girl she is supposed to be and I don't know why, but that doesn't matter right now, I just know. It feels right. 2.) I have a wonderful husband and family. 3.)I have Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in my life that have promised me that I won't be sent something I can't deal with. So far, so good. (They are keeping the promise by giving me that strength). 4.) Elinor is just so dang wonderful and beautiful and sweet and funny and upbeat. She is a total joy to have around. 5.) She got fussy this morning and I asked if she wanted a baa baa and she kept going ba ba ba ba ba ba until I produced it and she took it happily.
Right now, I don't know if this is some sort of doomsday feeling I have because of the impending appointment, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is really wrong with her. What I mean by that is something that isn't going to magically go away or let up almost completely with a few years of therapy. Whether this feeling is preparing me for the worst, or prepping me to have an extra light feeling when I find out that she is going to be great and live a normal happy life someday- I don't know right now. It is however making me reflect on the woman and the mother I am right now. I know so many of you out there have all the faith in the world in us as parents, you have told us that Elle is lucky cause she is in good hands. I appreciate all your kind words, they are amazing, but right now, I know I am not in the place I need to be. I feel I have a lot of growth ahead of me to get me to resemble the mother she is going to need. And Scout is going to need. I have a lot of work to do to get me there. I absolutely have to be up to the task. I have no choice, I'm her mother and she needs me to push her just the right amount, coddle her the right amount, cheer for her the right amount.
Alright, that felt therapeutic to write. I needed to get that out. I want to be all uplifting and upbeat and have all the answers, but above all, I have to be honest. I'm not always going to be uplifting and wonderful. There are times where I am going to just be scared. Right now I think someone has finished her waffles and is anxious to take her nap. Above all, I need to be there for my Little Little, so ciao.
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4 comments:
Well, Em. I appreciate your honesty. And you are entitled to feelings of fear and inadequacy. That's completely understandable. Hang in there.
I am sorry I have't commented until now.
Thanks so much for your comment on my blog about Elsie's story. We are so blessed to be given these perfect little spirits in our home. Little Elsie has made me a better person, just as your little Elle does for you.
Yes, there has been and will be huge challenges in their lives....there will be hard times, but how can we not just look at these precious little faces and know that they were so entirely perfect, that they needed to have some kind of challenge in this life!
I am anxious for you to get a diagnosis.
It was a weird thing for me. Getting the diagnosis did not change anything we were already doing with Elsie, but it just gave me peice of mind knowing, 'we know what it is and we can prepare for it now.' It is the NOT knowing that is hard. But don't let it get you down.
I appreciate your honesty. And I feel for your pain and frustration.....but keep it up....stay positive....look at little Elinor's face every day and realize how lucky you are....and how lucky the world is to have her in it!
My e-mail is madi_bell@hotmail.com and I would love to talk anytime. Sometimes it is just good to talk to someone who can kind of understand where you are coming from.
-Kim
Em, I wish I had some really wise older sister stuff to say. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be okay, and not to worry, but I can't. I agree so much with Kim's comments. I really think that once you have a diagnosis, you are going to feel better. Not knowing and the waiting and the anticipation have got to be the worst.
I am sorry you have been having your doubts, but you will be the mother Elles and Scout need. Please don't forget to reach out to your family when you are feeling down and need to talk. Please let us know how the appointment goes today. I'll be thinking about you guys.
Thanks guys. The kind words of support and love mean a lot. Sue, just being there and being my big sister is enough, and just having you to talk to is good. I am so glad there are so many people around that love and appreciate Elle. She truly is a special little spirit that makes me feel in awe that she is in my home and family. Today's been an interesting day (to say the least) for many reasons. Mostly, and all things considered, it has been a good day. I am anxious to get her diagnosed and feel now that the process is possibly going to be easier/quicker then I imagined. Knock on wood though I guess. Anyway, I will for sure post a little something about all this probably tomorrow. Tonight I am too exhausted and have been gathering my thoughts (and had to be a dog, a caracle, a sun bear's mommy, a little girl that found a fox in the woods, and a manatee) today, not to mention a late night rocking to Arcade Fire and an early morning at the hospital. I'm beat!
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