Monday, May 19, 2008

A Breakthrough for me

So, I finally took a big step. I called my dr for an exam on why getting Scout a sibling to boss around is proving so elusive.
I have come up with a lot of excuses these past 8 months or so on why I haven't been more proactive, but if I am to be honest, when it comes right down to it, I think I am simply terrified to hear bad news.
It is hard to get over walking into your drs office expecting to see your 19 week old twins on the sonogram and instead, pretty much hearing the worst news you could hear and then some. This is especially hard to get over when you are a borderline hypochondriac *pointing a finger at myself*, so it's been more or less terrifying to go back there thinking more bad news could be lurking.
I suppose I shall give the nutshell version if there is anyone reading this that doesn't know the story:
I had a molar pregnancy about a year and a half ago. If you read that link, you will have read, "in extremely rare cases, an apparent twin pregnancy is found to be one complete mole and one normal, healthy placenta and fetus" yeah, that was lucky lucky me. You may also have read that it can lead to cancer of the mother. The stats for cancer developing with a complete molar with twin is around 70%. I had to go have blood tests every week for months to screen for this cancer, and this time I really did get lucky and blew all my doctors away (and I in Boston that is "the lead researcher of molar pregancies" - he was told of my case because of my rapid improvement that defied the odds) -my hcg level at the time of "termination" was over 1.5 million, if you've ever been pregnant, that is 8 times the hormone dose at it's highest level-. So my rapid hormone decrease was nothing short of miraculous (basically, my doctors pretty much figured the cancer had invaded all over my body). I am pretty proud of myself, as I have cruised the internet looking through stories of women with molars and out of hundreds, only found one woman with a level higher then mine, and even only 3 other women with a complete with twin (all of those women got cancer). The good news is that this type of cancer is almost 100% curable with chemo. Boy, I thought I cruised through that experience with flying colors. But now, it is a year and a half later and I am proving myself to now be infertile. There is no support out there that says that this condition messes with your fertility, so I don't know what's going on. I had no trouble prior to this incident, so can only blame it on the molar pregnancy. I had huge cysts on my ovaries because of the large hormone doses, but none of the drs I saw were concerned, as they go away when the levels go down. My secret fear is that those things broke my ovaries. Rationally, the problem is a hormone thing, and I didn't regulate properly after the havoc and a simple pill will do it. Irrationally, oh many things swim around my head.
So basically, I just wanted to say that I fell very proud of myself that I finally called the dr and got an appointment (June 19th). Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger and either is Scout, and I want her to have a few brothers and sisters. If my body is now figuratively running away screaming from another pregnancy, I guess, we need to start looking into the adoption route. Rob and I have always liked the idea of having a racially diverse family, maybe that is what we were meant to do. Who knows. I have one thing to be grateful for, and that is Scout. She is our sunshine, and I can't tell you how grateful I am to have had her through all this. There is nothing that can beat having a little one to hold when you have lost some little ones.


Emily said...

Good for you Em. That was quite the ordeal and I can imagine it's pretty intimidating to go back to the doctor and see what's up. But it's true that that first step is the biggest and the scariest. I hope all goes well on the big 19th.

Ami said...

I was going to say 'good for you,' too! I'm sure it's a scary place to be. Our experiences, while similar, are SO different. I'm glad that you're ready to explore things, but I am sorry that things have gone this way for you. I'll be watching for your update after your appointment. :)


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